Confession
Dear Positive Path, family, and friends,
Last Wednesday, I found myself in a real internal fight against myself. I had said the next Positive Path would be November 9th. And here it was. November 9th with no email and no desire to provide the call.
3 days would passed, ending with late last night, where I questioned everything about myself, the Path, the services I provide, the upcoming Austin meditation retreat, and the upcoming Centerpoint class in Houston.
I was lost. I had no clarity.
Why was I doing this? Was it for ego? Name or Fame? I had completely forgotten.
I was back at the retreat center in Pine, AZ fresh from having spent 5 days with me girlfriend and her two daughters. A balance was missing. Work, meditation, the activities I usually take part in… and now… a new life- one involving a beautiful woman and her two girls. And I found that the lack of clarity had to do with my business plan (finances), and it was trickling into everything else.
I decided that night to let go of the Path call. It would be the first time in 1.5 years that I’d turn my back on it altogether without saying anything.
The next day while working outside, I was busy in my mind, lost in more of this confusion when I stepped back into an Agave plant. Its sharp thorny leafs softly melted through my back leg, above the Achilles heal. The thorn touched the bone; I fell over yelping like a baby elk. I managed to continue working for a few hours before calling it a day. By evening the lower leg had swollen into a fatty mass, and with it came deep signs of release- fever symptoms and the most doubt and confusion I had felt in a long time.
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know why. I wanted answers but I didn’t know to what questions. A fat blockage had arisen, and with it, a desire to leave it all behind and quit everything John Positive.
I stepped into an Herb Shop the next morning to ask questions and I was told something quite interesting. An Agave plant spends 7 years growing into a mature plant before taking all its energy to grow a stalk that flowers like a lovely desert Yucca. After which time, it begins to die off. But not before giving birth to a few babies that feed off her for some time.
The Herbalist told me it was quite auspicious that I had gotten pricked by the Agave. It opened a doorway for me to get really clear on why I was doing this spiritual work for others and what it should look like. She said the Agave essence is great for those who have done lots of work but never been appreciated for the work that’s been done. It’s also great for rooting or grounding. Agave babies can rarely be pulled from the ground, because their fat deep roots ground it to the earth with a magnificent act of force. And I’d felt a loss of grounding in recent weeks.
My leg continued to swell until I found myself limping like a cripple for Thursday evening and all of Friday. It was very humbling. No matter how fast I wanted to go, I was limited by this leg. The same leg that was involved in the car accident of 2005 and multiple accidents since then. It’s clear there are still lessons to be learned regarding slowing down, peace, and being in my body.
By Friday I began meditating and praying for answers to the question, “WHY!!? Oh Why am I doing this. Please bring me clarity. Oh Higher Self, oh Angels, may this spiritual clarity come swiftly.”
And so the messages began. The biggest issue was that I had been living my life for years alone, by myself, and now I found myself in a relationship with 3 new people, potentially having to care for them financially in the coming months if it continues to develop. I realized that I was afraid that my personal clarity wasn’t large enough for 4 people. So my entire being collapsed. And the Agave blessing gave me a few days to sit still and figure it all out.
I called my girlfriend that afternoon, and found myself bursting into tears when I shared with her that my clarity wasn’t big enough for her and the girls. What a release. Within an hour, an auric umbrella appeared in my mind’s eye that would cover her and the girls. A field that told me my clarity was finally beginning to grow. Friday evening, 11/11/11, I sat still in meditation after returning to the arms of my girlfriend outside Sedona, and the final message came to be:
“A Path is something so individual. I am on a path to feel peaceful, be peaceful, and balanced each moment of the day. It is challenging. I cannot claim to heal anyone, but I work at healing myself each day. I love this work for myself. I do it for me. It was the first thing I fell in love with following the car accident, and it’s the one thing I’ll continue enjoying until the day I die.
People around me are also individuals with their own paths. If someone asks for my help, then what I can do is guide them with context based on where I’ve already been. If they’re curious, in need of guidance, wanting to know where to begin, or how to clear out something that’s arisen in life, then I can possibly help. But I do this because it is for me. I am selfish. Yet in this act of helping, magic arises, and a healing energy stream comes in to begin healing both you and me on the exact same issue. This makes the work so much fun.
Life is all a release, and I appear to be in a lifetime of liberation, as this is what I enjoy doing most. And since this is what I naturally enjoy doing, this is also what I can naturally help a person with. I don’t have it all figured out. Far from it. But every waking second I work on it, cause it’s the most exciting thing for me to do. And this curiosity of life I share openly with you if you can meet me halfway.”
Clarity came. All I ask is to be in a more humble state and never act as if I have it all figured out again. I am a stupid, ignorant person just like the next guy. But asking “why is this”, “how can I”, “what’s the reason that”, and the like are the most valuable things to ask each day. These questions, along with the subsequent daily meditations, cause life to evolve at a quick pace, oftentimes bringing me into people’s lives just as fast as out. Nothing lasts. And yet, sometimes, something lasts a little longer, and I get to enjoy some ‘normalcy’.
So back to the Path.
I apologize for missing the last call. I now know why I originally wanted to do the calls. It’s cause I enjoy personal development more than anything else. It’s my main passion. And I like sharing this passion. And if I like sharing it, then that puts me into a curious, explorative state- never acting like the know-it-all- but rather, being open to new ideas.
Yet have I been fully open?
No.
I have many times offered the Path with a ‘teacher approach’ that had me feel uneasy. I wasn’t getting too much out of the calls, cause I wasn’t open to the Divine Stick that throws itself into the spokes of life to kick us off our seats, scrape our faces, and cause us to see something new. Pain tends to do this. Pain can be emotional or physical. Maybe I was trying to avoid this pain.
This week I was blessed with both types, and this brought beautiful growth. By Friday evening I could see I was not this doubt energy. I was not this ‘lack of clarity’ energy. I was a Being inside a body experiencing this energy arise in its mind. And it won’t be the last time either.
I will now begin offering the Path calls on my time, whenever I feel inspired to offer them. This my amount to once per month. And I promise to guide them in a way where there is some ‘template’, yet plenty of room for me to be just as much the student as the teacher. I learn from each and every one of you. I thank you for all having been in my life these past 2 years.
If there is anything you would like to see on the Path, in spiritual services or retreats, or in personal development classes, please pass them along. If there are specific blocks in your life you’d like help with, pass them along. It’s nice to understand where everyone is. I love observing life and human nature.
I will close this off by saying that I now have a family I must take care of. The services I provide, as well as the upcoming retreat in Austin, are done for one reason- cause I love to do this work for myself. Because I enjoy doing it so much, then helping someone else on Their path offers me one more chance to do more work on myself. See how selfish I am? :)
I must be more respectful of Money Energy and the time I have to provide these services. My prices are shifting somewhat to accommodate the lower range of clients and to bring in a lot more foundational shifts into people’s lives at the higher end of the services. So you’ll see prices range from $100 for one-on-one sessions up to $500 for 30-day courses and future 10-day retreats.
I put a lot into sessions, because I ‘somewhat’ understand the power of this universe. I hope to help you feel and know this power for yourself, so you also know how important this Peace is for our psyche, our families, our communities, our careers, and humanity. The best is yet to come, and I hope to help any and all of you who request help!
The Austin retreat will offer 2 options: a 3-day weekend (Friday Dec 2 thru Sunday Dec 4) for $200 or a full 10-day retreat (Friday Dec 2 thru Sunday Dec 11th) for $350, and this retreat is offered for a primary reason- cause I LOVE to meditate cause it releases SO much of what I don’t want in life. It feels amazing! And life is always easier after completing a course. Ok… and…. Cause I love sharing this incredible course with others who are also curious about improving their lives.
If you are interested in really making a dent in your life’s level of awareness and self-mastery, then join us Friday December 2nd in the Austin/ San Antonia, TX area where we’ve secured a 3-bedroom home to meditate Vipassana New World’s 2nd 10-day Executive Retreat. It is challenging, but it is life-changing.
May God bless you on your Path. Your Light is bright. All of our lights are bright. We are all blessed; each one of us equally. We are all One.
To your Liberation and eternal happiness,
Your friend on the Path,
Jan
www.VipassanaNewWorld.org
www.Houston-Spiritual-Healing.com
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